Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
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Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
I think I’m having a stroke
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada