sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
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Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Breaking news:
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything