People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
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I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.