*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
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I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.