Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
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I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
best review i’ve ever seen
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
termite twitter scares me
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*