totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
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You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
North and South
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled