Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
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Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Don’t snitch tag.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Mornin
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”