my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
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me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
I’m sure it’s fine.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Put this video in the Louvre
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.