“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
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Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.