i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
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if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens