Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
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Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.