To the max.. 😂
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‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
what does he know…
When does CPR become necrophilia?
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target