20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
You Might Also Like
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
The point of your 20s
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.