[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
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It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Livid.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.