Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
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I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Me checking my bank balance online.
They did not think through this water fountain
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.