Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
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You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Customer is always right
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.