My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
You Might Also Like
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Previously On Persistence 😎
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
any last words?
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.