If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
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This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
we’re gonna need another temp
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Watermelon Boss!
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Go hard or stay average
Europe. Made in Germany.
Just a friendly reminder!
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.