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Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”