[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
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guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.