Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
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Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Room with a view.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
same vibe as tangled headphones
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.