Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
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casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.