I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
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[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Who says great literature is dead?
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???