Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
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For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
This rocks
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.