This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
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911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Mad Max: Furry Road
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
#Caturday
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.