HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
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thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Super Hand Dog Face
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*