ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
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ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.