my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
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Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars