Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
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Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
titanic
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
You have been warned.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.