This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
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The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
#JohnTravolta
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!