“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
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i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Order here:
More here:
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.