*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
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I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
sir, my pâté if you please
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
*sewing*
A thread
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
A dad and his duck