Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
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Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
she has a point
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
This is my favorite one of these!
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no