[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
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INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
the #horror is real!
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.