No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
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[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
✌🏽
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started