gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
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you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
tourist season
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Good morning, Twitter x
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Sing it!
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Duck typos.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”