“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
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When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.