Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
You Might Also Like
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
This anagram machine is out of order.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
two people or more is called a problem
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*