I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
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Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL