In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
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You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.