Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
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If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
TRAIN’S HERE
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
the short answer to this question
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*