Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
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So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
back to work
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”