[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
You Might Also Like
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
All is fair in drunk and war.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
$3 #books
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE