I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
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Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Finally a use for spoilers…
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry