“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
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Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.