Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
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White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Who called it baking and not making love
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁