Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
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I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Sheep
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
hey, alexa
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.