Woke up against my better judgment again
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Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it