My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
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Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
This is true.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Meowchelangelo
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!