Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
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Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Netflix and you sit over there.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.